Personal Psychology Series - Apologising [3]
Apologising Is But One Of Many Propensities We Women Have Innocuously Taken On, Steeped As It Is Into A Women’s Psyche. Similar to doubt, apologising is ‘imprinted on our collective memory’. It seems to me that women have been apologising for our existence since time began. These beliefs about ourselves as who we are as women are deeply ingrained. It is time we changed them.
Like all ‘imprints’ of perspectives we can only take action when we are sufficiently aware of what is occurring in our lives. We need to be both sufficiently aware and sufficiently motivated to want to overcome a situation or behaviour. Our point of power rests in the present moment. The moment you ‘see’ your behaviour and decide no - I don’t want to be like that anymore.
I was conversing with a retail shop owner recently with an apology made where no apology was required. I replied there is no need to apologise. This prompted her sharing that her daughter is always telling her not to apologise. Smart daughter. But then so was the mother for Debbie was a business owner, a choice that takes alot of ‘smarts’. Its tough as retail is not for everyone. Yet that’s what is so beautiful about human beings. We like different things. Just as we all have different learnings. Some might be overcoming doubt, others apologising and for others like moi, learning to keep ones mouth shut is one of my learnings. Silence is golden and all that. For I have a propensity to explain myself. Once we begin to recognise our behavioural responses, and there are many, we can take steps to overcome what does not serves us.
So how does one begin to address the habitual response of apologising? Having made a decision to overcome a particular behavioural trait, one invariably finds themselves doing the opposite. Well, this has been my experience. I take these types of occurrences as a message from my higher self to heighten my awareness of what I am actually doing and saying, take my decisions seriously, and honour my words; hence testing to see if I really mean what I say.
Nature abhors a vacuum such that one way to assist yourself in overcoming a particular behaviour is to decide in advance what to replace it with. Stopping ‘apologising’ or keeping ones mouth shut is all very well, but it can be harder than one thinks. Substitution is a tangible method that can serve as a bridge until you have overcome a particular trait. What might you say or do instead? Bite your tongue is one of mothers wisdoms.
Debbie our apologist had in fact caught her self in the moment recently. About to apologise she stopped her self midstream. For reasons known only to herself, she was very thankful that she chose not to respond in her habitual way. When we catch ourselves in these moments we deserve a pat on the back - yes literally pat yourself on the back - it’s a moment to be cherished. These moments signify our growing awareness of our ability to act out of higher levels of consciousness. In these moments one realises the extent to which you can change your experience of your self and thus map out a new way of being.
Underlying all of our habitual responses is a belief or an emotional wound. I’m not an apologist but I conjecture that it will have connotations about not being heard or rather not being allowed to be heard. Hence apologising for having a view. It’s self censure. It could also be you are taking the blame for all and sundry as many women do. Throat issues (the heart of ones voice) may be a feature in the life of an apologist. It’s also about valuing your own opinion, honouring your words, and your contribution as only you can. As for my explaining myself, it’s of the same ilk. Somewhere along the path I have felt the need to justify myself and my contribution. In tandem with keeping my mouth shut, the bridge for me was redirecting my time to what I wanted to focus on. I decided that explaining myself where no such explaining was either required or even useful, was a waste of time. Engaging in conversation, rather than explaining is far more nourishing - for both parties.
As women our emotional lives are a rich tapestry with much to be ‘mined’. Observing our habitual responses is but the first step. Acting upon our findings is where the juice of life resides. As we open to becoming curious about ourselves, we discover our personal heritage is where our depth and breath lies and the answers to our questions. In terms of apologising it seems to me that man-kind have alot of apologising to do - apologising to women for …
I leave it to you dear reader to fill in the blanks.
Date: Wednesday, 11 November, 2020
Authoress: Carol Lorraine
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